WHISKEY RIVER SOAP CO Pencils

$9.99

The Passive Aggressive Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

It's fine.

I mean, if you want, I can write an essay detailing the extent to which I’m fine. I’ll even laminate the cover if you need me to do that, too. I don’t mind at all. If that’s what you need to prove that I’m fine, I’ll do it. Heck, I might even make it a book, find a publisher and go on Ellen to promote the release, proving how fine I am. I mean if that’s what you need. I’ll do it. 

 

Procrastinators Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

Two weeks.

Go ahead, ask me anything. Invariably, the answer will be “two weeks.” Wondering when I’ll get my grades up? Two weeks. Get my grades up and start working out? Two weeks. Get my grades up, start working out, call my dad, visit my Nana in Florida, get married, buy a house, file for divorce, start my own business and run for office? Two weeks, pal. Two. Weeks.

 

First World Problems Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

AWWWWW....

I hear you're having a bad day. First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging. Plus, it’s 95 outside but you're shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your gluten-free muffin was the BEST gluten-free muffin you've ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds. And we both know you said NO NUTS.

 

Introvert Excuse Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

PEOPLE SUCK.

That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your stuffed animal collection. But sometimes it’s a little hard to admit that in public. So we’ve carefully crafted a few extremely plausible excuses to get you out of all those pesky social obligations. Like happy hour. Your niece’s school play. Office parties. Your wedding.

 

Grammar Police Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

Ahahaha. It’s so easy to get under your skin. Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re. Welcome to the grammar club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about other people’s grammatical errors. Trust me on this point, you're still making some..

 

Cat People

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

I have a surpise for youuuu.... Darn it, where are you? Remember that time you told me you wished you could be a little policeman? I’m sure you said that. And I’ve got JUST the costume for that! Come on, kitty, kitty. My Instagram followers are waiting.

 

Dog People

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

Look, I don’t know if you know this about my dog, but he’s verrry gassy. So if you get a whiff of anything remotely off, it was the dog, ok? He’s also responsible for the missing cheesecake in the fridge. I don’t know how he does it! The scoundrel.

 

Boomers VS Millennials 

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

With the two largest generations in history at each other’s virtual throats on social media, this is the most epic battle since white or wheat. Who’s more entitled? Who’s more maligned? And does it even matter? HEY. Of course it does. Ask any one of them. But really. Pass the popcorn. This is some serious entertainment.

 

Zero Fucks

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

We hear you. You're so over it you can't even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn't give a F. We know. Fresh out.

 

Truth

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

Hey, wouldn’t it be nice if people just told the truth every once in a while? I mean, nobody wants to hear that Susan thinks your baby is weird looking, but does she have to go on and on about how ADORABLE he is, only to snicker with the entire Human Resources department behind your back? Susan, Susan, Susan. Just wait til you have a baby.

 

 Office

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

It’s Monday again. Feels like I just clocked out. Know what I love about Mondays? Nothing. In fifteen minutes, I’ll be sleeping with my eyes open for an hour-long meeting about employee morale followed by a “surprise” birthday cake and card everyone half-heartedly signs while doing a slow eye-roll. Which is the same eye-roll I’ll be making when I read it, ‘cuz it’s my birthday and even that won’t fix a Monday.

 

Little White Lies

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

I looooove working out. If I could, I would do it 24/7. It’s just that I have all these obligations and such since I took that sabbatical from work. Oh, yeah, technically they called it “fired” but I was going to take a creative break anyway. And I LOVE my free time! I mean, I don’t really have any, of course, and that’s why I’m not hitting the gym at the moment....

 

I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK.

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

Absolute genius last words to carve onto your gravestone. Why bother with father, mother, son, daughter? Beloved pet, bah! Boring. Really, the only proper way to go out is to get the very last word. That, or leave them wondering for all eternity. Who dis?

 

 

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

You must be completely delusional if you think I’m a waiter, pal. In fact, I could argue that your very existence is at the mercy of my skilled, capable hands right now. So too bad if you don’t like the green Jell-o. Shut your trap and maybe I’ll come back to check on you. Key word: maybe.

 Nurses Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

 

 

TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A BONE-DRY HACK?

So the wordsmith’s well has run dry? Try this pack of Writer’s Block pencils. If these pencils don’t help you churn out regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a fedora, by the way. Cool vampires wear fedoras now. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Or in your book. Either way, you’re gonna need these pencils ASAP. Even crap won’t write itself.


Writer's Block Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

-What forms of payment do you take?

All payments are processed using Paypal Payflow or Afterpay, for payment installments. When you place an order on our website, we will charge your credit card once we have verified your card details, received credit authorization, confirmed stock availability, and your order is ready to be shipped. If you are having difficulty processing payment, please email us at contact@eight3five.com.

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1 BUSINESS DAY

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UPS Next Day Air Early

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1 BUSINESS DAY

 

Please Note: We do our best to ship all orders placed by 12 Noon EST on the same day, however, during busier holiday hours this is not guaranteed. 

Please allow time to ship accordingly. 

-Where does Eight3Five ship to?

We ship to all 50 states.

-Do you ship internationally?

We are working on international shipping solutions. In the meantime we can provide shipping quotes if you contact us with your shipping address and the items you will like to purchase at contact@eight3five.com

 

-What is Eight3five’s return policy?

Please note our return policy:

  • All returns must be requested within 21 days from the date of receipt.
  • We do not offer free returns. If you wish to return an item please ship it tracked to: 33104 Town Green Drive, Elmsford, NY 10523. Any costs for returns are the buyers responsibility. 
  • Cost of shipping will be deducted from all returns. 
  • We will not accept merchandise that has been worn, altered, or washed.
  • Merchandise must have all tags attached.
  • All items should be returned in their original packaging.
  • Shipping charges are not refundable.
  • Upon receipt of returned goods Eight3five reserves the right to deny a refund if the merchandise does not meet return policy requirements.
  • We cannot be responsible for damaged boxes. We do everything within our power to make sure your items are well packaged, however, we understand that not all mail carriers treat our packages with the same care and attention as we would like. If an item arrives badly damaged please contact us with your name, email, order number and photos of the damage at contact@eight3five.com and we will assess damage on a case by case basis. We understand that the box/packaging is art itself, however, Eight3five Inc will not exchange/return an item due to defective/damaged packaging.
  • Due to hygiene reasons we cannot accept returns on underwear, socks & earrings. 

-Do I need to sign for my Eight3five package?

No.

-What if my Eight3five order is lost?

If by chance a package is lost in transit we are happy to work with you to resolve the issue but we kindly ask that you must report your lost package to the carrier before reaching out to contact@eight3five.com

Porch Pirates - if a package is lost or stolen upon delivery, please contact the carrier directly. We cannot be held responsible for packages stolen after delivery. Please be advised that carriers require a safe place to deliver items if you will not be at the delivery address at time of delivery. 


-Is it possible to modify my order once it is placed?


Once you have submitted your order, we have limited ability to make modifications. Please contact as soon as possible at orders@eight3five.com with any requests.

Preorders have a 3 day cooling off period, after which time we cannot cancel preorders. 

-How do I track my Eight3five order once it is placed?

Once your order has been shipped, you will be sent a shipping confirmation email including the tracking number for your package.

We gathered up our favorite fun finds for those of all ages. We relish in bringing our favorite TV and movie characters to life and we hold a special place in our hearts for cats, coffee, and generally cool stuff.

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