It's a snow day somewhere....
But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
The Middle Child
Who are you again?
The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you're in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain't all that. The only people who think so are #1. my older siblings and #2. my dumb parents. And I haven't even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.
Smells like drool.
But you're used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I'd say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we're wearing matching dog bone jammies.
I'm not saying yoga pants make you look 20% hotter, but I'm not saying they don't, either. So let's all take a moment to silently express our gratitude for yoga pants. And by "silently express," of course I mean post that shiznit immediately to your IG, FB and Twitter accounts. It's not going to post itself, darling. Then go make yourself a green smoothie and meditate on how much more evolved you are than the rest of the great unwashed.
Smells like a locked door.
Don't get me wrong, kids, of COURSE I love you. I mean, I created you! You're the reason I get out of bed every morning (not usually by choice) and you're the lights of my life! But for the love of Pinot Grigio, can you just give me one single half hour of complete silence?
Your cats are circling the tub, but don't count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don't judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don't leave the toilet seat up. Most days.
None to give.
We hear you. You're so over it you can't even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn't give a F. We know. None to give.
It's Only Freaking Tuesday
How is it only TUESDAY? It's been a full year since the work week started. I swear I can feel each individual cell in my body slowly dying to the beat of that annoying wall clock. And Glen in the next cubicle. Ghod. If he doesn't stop loudly smacking his gum and clicking his pen like some kind of deranged one-man band hoping for a record deal that will never happen, I'm going to write a scathing anonymous note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing anonymous notes.
Who you calling old?
Not me, pal. I'm 21. I've been 21 for years and I'm not about to make any abrupt changes now. Hey! Put that fancy calculator away. Don't you know I still shop at Forever 21? It's called that for a REASON. Now buy me a shot and shut your trap.
It's ten a.m. somewhere.
Honestly, Saturdays were made for day drinking. And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don't feel guilty about it. It's exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don't want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway.
-What forms of payment do you take?
All payments are processed using Paypal Payflow, Klarna or Afterpay, for payment installments. When you place an order on our website, we will charge your credit card once we have verified your card details, received credit authorization, confirmed stock availability, and your order is ready to be shipped. If you are having difficulty processing payment, please email us at email@example.com.
Please Note: We aim to process orders within 24-48 hours.
If you select next day or 2 day shipping, please allow processing time of 24-48 business hours.
-Where does Eight3Five ship to?
We ship to all 50 states.
-Do you ship internationally?
We are working on international shipping solutions. In the meantime we can provide shipping quotes if you contact us with your shipping address and the items you will like to purchase at firstname.lastname@example.org.
We are unable to ship Loungefly and officially licensed products outside of the USA and Canada.
Our exclusive products are sold through our partner www.hooksuk.co.uk in the UK and Europe.
-What is Eight3five’s return policy?
Please note our return policy:
- All returns must be requested within 21 days from the date of receipt.
- We do not offer free returns. If you wish to return an item please contact us at email@example.com in order to initiate a return for a refund.
- If your item has arrived damaged or defective, please contact us with photos at firstname.lastname@example.org so we can assess the damage and offer the best available options.
- Cost of shipping will be deducted from all returns.
- We will not accept merchandise that has been worn, altered, or washed.
- Merchandise must have all tags attached and be returned in an original sale-able condition.
- All items should be returned in their original packaging. ( This includes any special packaging, box, ribbon, free add ons etc).
- Shipping charges are not refundable.
- Upon receipt of returned goods Eight3five reserves the right to deny a refund if the merchandise does not meet return policy requirements.
- We cannot be responsible for damaged boxes. We do everything within our power to make sure your items are well packaged, however, we understand that not all mail carriers treat our packages with the same care and attention as we would like. If an item arrives badly damaged please contact us with your name, email, order number and photos of the damage at email@example.com and we will assess damage on a case by case basis. We understand that the box/packaging is art itself, however, Eight3five Inc will not exchange/return an item due to defective/damaged packaging.
- Due to hygiene reasons we cannot accept returns on underwear, socks & earrings.
- Please note we aim to process all returns within 5 working days of receiving your item, but in particularly busy periods this can take longer. If you would like to find out the status of your return, please get in touch.
While we strive to make every effort possible to deliver fault free goods to you, sometimes mistakes may happen. As such if you receive goods that are faulty, or develop a fault within a reasonable time frame we encourage you to contact us to allow us to resolve the issue. We reserve the right to request the item be returned for a refund on faulty items and cannot hold items in order to offer replacements.
Please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org with your order number, name and photos of the fault.
When you send the item back, please remember to include your name, return address and a brief description of the fault.
-Do I need to sign for my Eight3five package?
No. For specific items and high value deliveries we may request a signature on delivery.
-What if my Eight3five order is lost?
If by chance a package is lost in transit we are happy to work with you to resolve the issue but we kindly ask that you must report your lost package to the carrier before reaching out to email@example.com
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR PROVIDING A SECURE DELIVERY ADDRESS. Make sure you check with your neighbors or anyone in your house that may have picked up the package prior to contacting us. Any item that is lost or stolen, but shows confirmed delivery, is NOT the responsibility of Eight3Five and it may not be covered by our shipping companies. If you are concerned about the delivery address, please consider shipping to work or an alternate address instead.
- Is it possible to modify my order once it is placed?
Once you have submitted your order, we have limited ability to make modifications. Please contact as soon as possible at firstname.lastname@example.org with any requests.
- How do I track my Eight3five order once it is placed?
Once your order has been shipped, you will be sent a shipping confirmation email including the tracking number for your package.
- Can I cancel a preordered item?
We can only cancel preorders up to 24 hours after the sale of the product. Preorder cancellations within 24 hours will be charged a 20% cancellation fee. Exclusions apply.