Teachers

It's a snow day somewhere....

But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?

The Middle Child

Who are you again?

The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you're in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain't all that. The only people who think so are #1. my older siblings and #2. my dumb parents. And I haven't even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.

Dog People

Smells like drool.

But you're used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I'd say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we're wearing matching dog bone jammies.

Namaste

Ommmm.

I'm not saying yoga pants make you look 20% hotter, but I'm not saying they don't, either. So let's all take a moment to silently express our gratitude for yoga pants. And by "silently express," of course I mean post that shiznit immediately to your IG, FB and Twitter accounts. It's not going to post itself, darling. Then go make yourself a green smoothie and meditate on how much more evolved you are than the rest of the great unwashed.

What Kids

Smells like a locked door.

Don't get me wrong, kids, of COURSE I love you. I mean, I created you! You're the reason I get out of bed every morning (not usually by choice) and you're the lights of my life! But for the love of Pinot Grigio, can you just give me one single half hour of complete silence?

Cat People

Mrrrow.

Your cats are circling the tub, but don't count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don't judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don't leave the toilet seat up. Most days.

Zero Fucks

None to give.

We hear you. You're so over it you can't even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn't give a F. We know. None to give.

It's Only Freaking Tuesday

Ugggggh.

How is it only TUESDAY? It's been a full year since the work week started. I swear I can feel each individual cell in my body slowly dying to the beat of that annoying wall clock. And Glen in the next cubicle. Ghod. If he doesn't stop loudly smacking his gum and clicking his pen like some kind of deranged one-man band hoping for a record deal that will never happen, I'm going to write a scathing anonymous note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing anonymous notes.

Birthday Blues

Who you calling old?

Not me, pal. I'm 21. I've been 21 for years and I'm not about to make any abrupt changes now. Hey! Put that fancy calculator away. Don't you know I still shop at Forever 21? It's called that for a REASON. Now buy me a shot and shut your trap.

Day Drinking

It's ten a.m. somewhere.

Honestly, Saturdays were made for day drinking. And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don't feel guilty about it. It's exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don't want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway.